“I was born when I met you/ Now I’m dying to forget you”

I’ve been thinking about The L Word lately, for no particular reason, except that I’m concerned that it was the major driving force behind my motivation to blog, given that my blogging has noticeably waned since its expiration. (Get it expiration—because Jenny expired.) And then the other day I was listening to that Brandi Carlile song, “Cannonball,” and I realized that it is describes my relationship with The L Word quite well.

I may have touched on this notion before but just in case I haven’t, I’ll explain. You see, The L Word is the bad boyfriend I never had. (Forgive me my heterosexuality.) When we first met, it was all passion and intensity. I couldn’t believe a show entirely about lesbians existed in the same universe as Two and a Half Men. That initial fire carried us for a long time, and we had some good times together. I’m getting to the point where I can smile about the good times.

But I don’t have to tell y’all that we had a bad breakup. There were some rocky moments throughout our relationship, and a few knock-down-drag-out fights. Those things are predictors of a bad breakup, and even though I saw it coming, knew it was inevitable, and was basically expecting it, the breakup still hurt because I knew I was losing something that had changed my life.

The truth is that The L Word ruined me for any other TV show. I know it doesn’t deserve that dramatic of an impact on my life, but the beauty of love is that it is mysterious. People get people they don’t deserve. Love doesn’t make sense. This feels like a place to tell a story about my uncle Jim, but I’ll try to stay on topic. Whenever I watch a TV show these days, I expect at least one gay character. If you’re watching TV these days, too, you know how often my expectations are met. Going from all lesbians to no lesbians has been hard for me. I know it will get easier, but the kind of relationship The L Word and I had doesn’t ever disappear. I’m not sorry I ever loved The L Word, and I won’t apologize for the scars because, damnit, I like lesbians. Regardless of all the shit The L Word put me through and all the ways I dishonored myself by being with it, it taught me a lesson that I will never, ever forget: There should be lesbians on TV.

I’m afraid that we’ll get to the point where “Cannonball” isn’t our song anymore and instead, it’s “Call and Answer.” And then there will be an L Word movie and there I’ll be, ready to get my heart broken all over again.