I realized tonight that I need this blog more than it needs me. I have been busy and somewhat awkwardly adjusting to my new lifestyle of not being a student for the first time in 22 years. Stick that number in your bong and smoke it! Can you believe I went to school for 22 years and I’m still not sick of it?
What I miss the most about being a studentâ€”especially a graduate studentâ€”is all the time I spent just thinking. Now I spend most of my time grading and writing assignment sheets and making and remaking to-do lists in order to keep track of all the grading and assignment sheets. Sure, grading involves reading student papers and more often than not, that means thinking. But freshman comp doesn’t naturally lend itself to the development of new ideas. I end up reading the same ideas over and over with varying levels of expressive success.
I don’t want to seem ungrateful, bitter, or whiny. I cringe when my colleagues display these feelings, and if I seem as if I feel that way, too, I am not representing myself accurately. I like my job. I like my students. I enjoy my work. After all, I’m still at school.
I miss the thinking, though. It isn’t as if I have ceased to think (although the presence of Cougar Town on my DVR may suggest otherwise); it’s just that I have a lazy tendency not to flesh out my thoughts unless I have to. I am not a student, which means I don’t have to write papers. That means that the conversation Andy and I (and some tweeps Andy engaged on Twitter) had last week about the difference between a cougar and a MILF was just a conversation. Conversations are important, of course. A lot of good thinking starts, develops, and ends in conversation, but I am not an out-loud thinker. I think in writing. That is why I started this blog almost four years ago.
My point is that I am not ready to give up this space for thinking.